My life has shifted back and forth from relatively stable then to rock bottom and then to back again, though this time with unsteady footing. This, along with the passage of time, gave changes to the way I define being happy. For me, happiness is equated with a smile. Although I had always tried to face each and every day with childlike enthusiasm and optimism, a lot things had changed from when I was still playing with marbles on empty sandlots to seemingly losing the marbles of my mind, thus making it steadily harder and harder to keep a valid smile on my face and in my heart. And so, here I am today, pondering over a question only I could ever answer. And it goes like this:

What is it that makes me truly happy?

Back then, happiness was a simple thing. Anything that did not involve pain or hardship was enough.

I'd be ecstatic by just playing with friends on the streets wearing a sando, shorts and sandals twice as large as my feet or by merely playing out an intergalactic war with just my toys in the muddy garden beside the parking lot all by myself. Then there came a time when happiness was archived by defeating gun-wielding characters by fighting them back myself using only a keyboard and a mouse or by watching TV shows about magic, robots, conflict and love. And then came the present, where the world proved that it wasn't what I thought it to be. Happiness was getting harder to find, but then I'd know a lot of things to do or have to be done which can make me forget the loneliness of the moment. At the end of the day though, I still longed to find and feel something genuinely inspiring. If I would somehow find the thing that would make me lose the feeling of emptiness, I would hold on to it as long as possible. I would never like to feel insignificant again. I had once come close to renouncing my belief in God because I had thought He had abandoned me. I thought He had left me and my family to suffer. But on one evening, I came to tears upon realizing that God has never abandoned me or anyone else. I had come to the understanding that: Everything happens for a reason. God had a plan for me, and it was something I just had to go through. Though it was still unclear what that reason was, it was worth living my life to find that out. With this, came a new view to what happiness was. It was now something less material, and more intangible. If I would now answer the question I posed to myself earlier, I'd have to say that I now do not have a good idea of what happiness is, but I know that when I get to have a good time with friends, I am happy; when I get to help people out with their problems, I am happy: when I feel comfortable and secure; I am happy. If someone I care for is happy; I am happy. I also thought of this as well, if I would find a person that would love me as I am, I'd be happy. Truly, fully and sincerely... happy.

Happiness, to me, is now something I would risk pain and hardship to feel, because somehow I know it will be worth it.



And if you'd ask me right now if I am happy... I'd say: "Yes... truly, fully and sincerely."

I don't feel as miserable as I did before, but the weight of so many problems still feels too heavy to bear.
It all just heightens the feeling of separation, loneliness and helplessness.
...
How I wish June would come as soon as possible... the May-day blues are killing me... why couldn't it just be merry?

I felt empty and insignificant. I yearned for attention...
It all may have been unfounded all along.
Somehow, I've forgotten to appreciate the people who continue to help me along the way.

I just miss all the people I hold dear all so much... guess its the result of being confined at home...
I miss the cheerful voices, the melodious laughter and even the sweet silence in knowing they're just right beside you.
These things all echo in my head like a beautiful but haunting song... When will I be able to actually hear it again?
I cherish the fact that they're all there... but they are all a memory as of the moment, for I feel they're far away.
Although still within reach... the more I chase, the more my heart feels the cruel distance. *heh, stole this line from a friend*
...
There is still someone though who really is like a star, I see her there but I just don't know how to reach out. As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I will be able too. I do try though, and in time maybe I will.

I will continue reaching for the stars...
...even though I may fall.

Still, I need support... for the past days I wanted to talk to so many people. I couldn't get through all of them, and it, along with worsening family matters *to think that Mother's Day is near* and financial woes, just made me fall into despair.

Hope shines through in the end... albeit only partly...
I still need reassurance...

The start of summer break in my calendar is at Wednesday, April 12, 2006.
Only 2 days to go full of exams... yet I can't even bother myself to seriously study for it.
I'll make it though... whatever happens... it won't be as much of a burden.

Summer break will last for about 1 and a half months. Then it's back again. Hurah for the short "rot at home" time.

My fresh start shall begin anew once more... and I just can't wait for it to begin... even if the schoolyear's not yet over.

The journey from then to now will forever remain etched in my heart; and even if my memory shall fail me, I am sure I shall still feel and know what I've felt and what I'm feeling.

nothing can come from nothing as nothing results to nothing.

damn... I feel like nothing.

But I'm sure someday I'll laugh at this moment as if it's nothing.

Nothing at all.

I just feel there's nothing else more important besides y...um... just nothing...